My Father

My mother told me, 'Time heals everything. Just give Time, some time..." Most certainly, it does. However, there are a few things that surpass the boundaries of time. Time only makes it more real. The memories remind me of what he was & who he was. Even though I have come to terms with my father's death - what I have sometimes not come to terms is the fact that he is gone, forever. And every day brings a new realisation that he's never coming back to this earth.

It feels funny that you think of your father and talk to thin air. Words that are meant for him to hear are left unheard. Most of the times, you reach out to hold hands that are no longer stretched towards you. I will never hear his voice, laugh hard at his amazing jokes, walk up to him for my pocket money or just be around him. I miss my father...

With him being around - I think that's the most secured place his little girl can feel. Just knowing that dad was there was good enough. My father and I did not share a relationship where we exchanged words of love. In fact, it was with him that I fought most often. He was the proudest whenever I excelled. In me, he saw his strength. To understand the impact of the love and pride he had for me, I had to 'not' have him around. Strange are the ways of life.

Today, when I react to a situation or crack a joke or say something or even walk around, I realise how much of my 'father' lies prominently in me. Must say, the genes have been handed over exceedingly well. And as I perform each of these tasks, the more of myself I see, the more of my father I feel...

Impressions of my father now appear so minor and all his attributes seem more important. More important and far more appreciated now. He wasn't perfect by any means but he didn't allow his imperfections to claim who he was. He was he & that's all there was. There just is no replacement for you!

Remembering you daddy, just like on every other day, on your 3rd death anniversary.  Since, I haven't said this many times when you were around, hear me out, one more time...I Love You...


PRIYA KRISHNASWAMY  (Your little girl with your name right after mine...)

Kaapi Blues

Ever wondered what your favorite drink is? Pepsi or coke is probably the first variety that pops in mind. Perhaps fresh fruit juices? Lemon n mint? How about a cup of tea? Nah, I think I'll just stick with coffee. What could be better than your day starting with the aroma of fresh coffee - the life source for many of us!
Being a South-Indian, a hard-core Madarasi, from the Tam-Brahm infested Mylapore, I never had the coffee-drinking habit! God forbid! Over the last thirty odd years, the last thing I wanted to hear was how tasty coffee was. Those were the days when the very smell put me off entirely. During our customary morning-family coffee drinking sessions (I'd have Bournvita or Horlicks like most other regular children); I'd insist on all coffee-drinkers to gargle their mouth lest the pungent coffee smells dominates the air you breathe.
I think as adolescents, it is difficult to develop a tolerance to caffeine. Let's face it, like alcohol or smoking, drinking coffee is also an acquired habit. Like a drug, coffee gets you addicted to drinking it every time. You enjoy its great taste and turn to coffee to get your energy boost for the day. You really can’t ignore the adrenaline-rush and mental acceleration that comes from caffeine. In fact, drinking coffee has become so addictive that some people can’t get through the day without downing several cups in the morning, noon and night. And to make the heavy confession, I am one of those 'people'.
Unknowingly the habit crept into my life. Thanks to all those endless meetings that were hosted in myriad cafes. What I tried so hard to gulp down as courtesy soon became my palate's favourite. When I think of it, falling in line with a habit is as tough as getting out of it. Since it took me 30 years to acquire the taste for coffee, I am allowed 30 more years to get out of it!
Today, like wine, coffee has even evolved into a social drink, with many of us spending generously on sugar-loaded concoctions from various branded outlets. The bigger the brand, the better the coffee or so we think. One dose of coffee and ah! To express the feeling of freshness! Oh, the aroma! Ah, the flavour! However, in reality the caffeine in coffee does not create real energy or alleviate any tiredness. It is only a strong stimulant that provides a sudden, temporary jolt to your system, hence the feeling of alertness. But who cares? One filter coffee, please...
Addiction to some food or beverage is a given, to us by us for us and remaining healthy and strong throughout life is a battle. What is important is that we are aware - and then you can get on with life - with coffee addiction or whatever. Oh! Here comes my kaapi! 

Married to Work

I just celebrated my first wedding anniversary with Work. I still remember the time when I had spent a considerable amount of time searching for the right "Work" and then the thrills when I fell in love with Work. We had given each other 6 months time. I called it the probation, but I guess Work had decided to enslave me for life; I was only keenly looking forward to the new relationship.

The new found joy of marriage was evident in me. I enjoyed time spent with Work. Marriage only ensured that I had access to everything about Work. I wanted to know more about him and I did everything under the sun to be good to him. The more I discovered, the more hard he played to get. Work distracted me endlessly and had unknowingly ensured that all my other ties were subtly cut. Work had become my all. I sure was in the 'marital bliss' mode. The presence of Work in my life gave my life a renewed meaning.

Come April and I was stumped by another surprise. Thanks to all the 'over-time' sessions with Work, I was feeling strange lately. Work was beginning to expect more out of me. Every night used to be eventful. I enjoyed it thoroughly. I would hardly get time to sleep - Work made love to me without even giving me time for a breather! I decided to talk to my family doctor, Manager. After several consultations, one fine morning, Manager announced my pregnancy. I was thrilled. Work had now bestowed me with the purpose of my life. I was all the time in anticipation of this pregnancy, this jump in my life and finally we had nailed it. We had already decided the baby's name - she was to be called "Money"!

Money's entry into my life gave me a new identity. People now recognised me for my potential. Money became the apple of my eye. In the pursuit to nurse and raise my darling little Money, I left no stone unturned to please Work. I made sure that I had Work with me at all times. Night or day made no difference. Time moved swiftly. I think all mothers lose their identity raising their children. As Money grew, I soon realised that I lost mine. My presence made no difference to Work. There were more energetic and smarter people who grabbed his attention. I was needed by him, but I was not indispensable. But to me, he was.

Unknown to myself, I had lost my youth. Raising money, I had lost my identity. And today I stand a slave to Work. Money speaks volumes but I have no individuality. Money is the one that is wanted here and there. After Money, people look for Work. But the person that I am - is lost completely. I have now realised that both Work and Money did not give me happiness. I want to resign - from this worldly pursuit. I want to look at life more wholly, more completely beyond Work and Money.

Living life to the fullest is an incredible balancing act. It is like walking a high-wire at the circus. It takes a lotof practice to get things just right. If you lean too much one way or another then you’ll lose your balance. The trick is to find that equilibrium between the Work and Money that produces achievement and slowing down enough to appreciate the present. When we locate this fine line, then we have found our balance and theplace where we can experience higher quality, more meaningful living.